I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
no exceptions
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you