I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Basketball
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
How wrong was this guy?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws