I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”