Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

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