@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

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@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@Donna_McCoy

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

@aveuaskew

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…