The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
You Might Also Like
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Everyone makes mistakes
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Siri, fight Alexa.