I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Thursday Thought.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.