I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
War & Peace
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.