I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.