Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

The booster protects against what, now?

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

i will avenge u mr van gogh