I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way