Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.