My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
ME: Be body positive.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
How to be a white girl:
1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’
I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.