I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You Might Also Like
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
sry
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I love you…
…r dog.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I need to get some bricks…
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!