I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.


Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.


Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*


Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy



Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.


Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right


List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws


“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”