@MinedOvaMatter

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

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@stockejock

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

@cosminaut

I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@CheeseDaydreams

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”