@MinedOvaMatter

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

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@Cycloptomese

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@toriTBC

When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.