I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.