i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
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Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man