i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
You Might Also Like
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.