I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
peak technology
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not