I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background