Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Still cracks me up

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Bringing home a sharpie

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle