I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
yeah 😭
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.