@meganamram

I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus

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@TotallyAllen

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”

@krispythehuman

A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.

Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@NoDMGen

My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@mstern68

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

@JediGigi

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.