I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I needed a laugh this morning.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy