I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I never needed anything more in my life
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.