Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Always.

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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.