Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

#polloftheday

👀

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting