Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EoqR77kWEAEaPOR.mp4

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

I got soap in my shower beer again.

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holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom