Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn