Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

I wish this was real life…

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy