I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it