I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
You Might Also Like
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.