I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?