I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Lunatics are gonna loon.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
This January has 47 Mondays
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.