I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.