I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.