I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
You Might Also Like
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Why is this me 😫
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.