I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
You Might Also Like
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.