Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.