I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
barbara was highly relatable