Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.