I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
won’t smith
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again