I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The most accurate map ever devised.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese