Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

rise and shine we got egg

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

🤣

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?