I saw nothing
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Imma just leave this here…………
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?