Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

The Punning Dead.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

This will never not be funny 😭