Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

No way!

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”