“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m so full I could puke a horse
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.