I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Just had my nails done!
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”