Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

This rocks

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.