Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

All food is good if you spell it wrong

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.