I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure