Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Whoa 😂

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.