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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face