I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
You Might Also Like
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
God has left this place
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name