I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
motivation
My dog ate my work from home.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball