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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Current mood: Potato
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you