I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
SCARY COSTUME
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The struggle is real.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now