Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

I laughed at this way too hard.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.