Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

12. I think about this all the damn time

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart