Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.