Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?