Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

Krampus.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.