Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.