Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry