Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

The chart results are in…

Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

sweet dreams💖

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!