I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Why is this me 😫
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…