I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I have a black belt in leather
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
this made my day 😂
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
multitasking lunch
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Pandas 🐼🖤
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is