Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.