i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
#FunnyLife Insects
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
