i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
It’s the weekend y’all
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
